


Before

by ElectricBlueGirl



Series: Love In Isolation [2]
Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Denial, Internalized Homophobia if you squint, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:02:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25089619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElectricBlueGirl/pseuds/ElectricBlueGirl
Summary: A companion piece to Love In Isolation.When Callum meets Ben, he thinks he'll be able to ignore the effect the man has on him. But Ben is persistent and Callum realises that staying away was never going to be that easy.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Series: Love In Isolation [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1814578
Comments: 14
Kudos: 58





	Before

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Can I firstly just say thank you so much to everyone who read Love In Isolation. I wish I could thank each and every person who has taken the time to read - it really does mean the world. 
> 
> For those who are interested, this is the first oneshot as seen through Callum's eyes. There will be four of these which span across the time Callum and Ben have known each other. So going right back to the start, this tells the story of when Callum and Ben first met and their night out which is mentioned a couple of times during Love In Isolation. 
> 
> For those who haven't read Love In Isolation, this fic doesn't have any spoilers and can be read as a stand alone. Though I should warn you, there is no happy ending with this. For that, you'll have to read the multi-chaptered story. 
> 
> I think that's everything! 
> 
> Enjoy and stay safe :)

**Before  
  
  
  
**

It’s a Friday when it happens. Callum has been working a shift in The Vic for that last couple of hours now and the pub is just starting to get busy with Friday night drinkers, all ready to forget about the week gone by and make a start on their weekend. He enjoys the busier nights, likes the sound of chatter and laughter going on around him, and he’s happy to converse with the punters as he serves them.

Jay is in tonight. He’s been sitting at the end of the bar for almost half an hour now and Callum takes pity on him, moving towards him to make sure he’s alright. He’s a nice bloke based on the few conversations they’ve had in the time since Callum moved here just over a year ago and Callum doesn’t like to see him sitting alone.

“Alright?” he asks, leaning on the bar a little and gaining Jay’s attention.

Jay looks at him, a frustrated scowl on his face. “Why do people arrange to meet and then not bother turning up on time?”

“You waiting for Lola?” It’s an educated guess. Lola is the blonde-haired girl he’s seen hanging around Jay on many an occasion. He’s not sure what the story is there.  
  
“No, my brother. Well, my best mate. It’s complicated. He’s been travelling this past year. Don’t tell him I told you, but it’s been quiet round here without him.”  
  
Callum chuckles, smile on his face, and he’s just about to leave Jay and get back on with his job when the door is flung open, a young man in a dark t-shirt and brown leather jacket stepping in.  
  
“Walford, it is good to be back!” the stranger shouts dramatically, flinging his arms out, and looking out across the bar, grinning when his eyes come to land on Jay.  
  
“Talk about making an entrance!” Jay laughs, standing from his stool as the other man approaches and reaching out to pull him into a hug.  
  
Callum watches them with interest. He can’t seem to make himself look away. The man looks to be a few years younger than him despite the light smattering of stubble on his face, he can smell a faint scent of aftershave on him, and there’s an air of confidence about him that takes Callum aback, leaving him feeling somewhat in awe of the stranger. There’s something about him that makes Callum unable to stop staring.  
  
“Thought I’d never get here,” the man is saying to Jay as they pull out of their hug. “The flight was terrible. Kids screaming from the row behind me and kicking at the back of my chair. I still don’t know how I managed not to kick off.”  
  
“Calm down, yeah? You’re back now, that’s the main thing. Fancy a pint?”  
  
The man ignores Jay’s question and continues. “And then there’s Dad. After two minutes in that house I swear I was ready to go back on my jollies again. I’m telling you right now, I’m not staying there for any longer than I have to. I’d rather kip on your floor until I find somewhere.”  
  
“Invite yourself round why don’t you?”  
  
Callum watches as the two of them bicker back and forth. There’s a twinkle in both their eyes and he can see there’s a genuine love between the two men.  
  
Suddenly the stranger glances his way and Callum feels embarrassed, his body tensing as if he’s just been caught. He should look away but his brain feels sluggish, not allowing him to do anything other than keep staring.  
  
“New bar staff eh?” The man stretches his hand out over the bar. “Ben Mitchell.”  
  
It takes a moment but Callum smiles tightly, trying to shift the feeling of embarrassment, and he goes to take the man’s – Ben’s – hand.  
  
“Callum Highway.”  
  
As soon as their hands meet sparks shoot up his arm, every nerve ending tingling from the touch. Ben looks at him and their eyes connect briefly and then it’s over, leaving Callum wondering whether he’s just imagined the weird moment. Maybe it’s because everything feels like it’s moving in slow motion at the moment. God, he really could do with his break.  
  
“Uh, what can I get you?” he asks, attempting to get his mind on the job again.  
  
Ben grins easily back at him, clearly unaffected by it all. “Pint of your finest please mate.”  
  
Callum nods, walking away, heading towards the pumps in the middle of the bar. He takes the moment to try and catch his breath, completely thrown by the effect Ben seems to be having on him. He’s experienced this feeling a few times before, the feeling he gets sometimes with men, but he’s been successfully able to run from it his whole life. He can handle this. It’s just one night. One night and then Ben will be gone.  
  
Inhaling deeply, he straightens his shoulders and reaches for a pint glass. He can’t help but glance across to the end of the bar again though. Jay and Ben are talking happily to one another but as if Ben can sense Callum’s eyes on his back, he glances over his shoulder, smirking when he meets Callum’s gaze.  
  
Callum looks away quickly, embarrassed once again. So much for trying to stay focused.  
  
After pouring Ben’s drink, he takes it over to him, putting it down on the bar for Ben to take.  
  
“Thanks, _Callum_ ,” Ben says, drawling out his name before turning and leading Jay over to a booth in the corner.  
  
He feels his cheeks go red and scans his eyes across the room in search of anyone who might need serving, desperate to distract himself. Thankfully he sees a table at the other side of the pub that needs clearing and goes to attend to it, settling when he knows he’s safely hidden from dark eyes.  
  
Callum can’t hide forever though and as the evening goes on he finds himself glancing across Ben’s way, more often than not finding Ben looking right back at him. Heat prickles at the back of his neck each time he’s caught out.  
  
He’s never felt so much relief to finish a shift in his life when he’s given to go ahead to finish up. He quietly slips out through the back of the pub, glad that the evening is finally over and hopeful that he’ll never have to think of Ben Mitchell ever again.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The name should have given him away. It was obvious really. And yet, when Callum makes the connection between Ben and his father two days later, he finds himself feeling apprehensive at the thought of the younger man being around a lot more than he had originally thought.  
  
And so, when Ben approaches the bar that Sunday afternoon, Callum serves him quickly with a smile before cheekily asking Linda, the landlady, if he can take his break early. She survey’s the pub before nodding and he takes the opportunity to disappear, once again leaving through the back and stepping outside.  
  
He stands in the alleyway that runs alongside the pub and leans back against the wall, closing his eyes and letting the breeze in the spring air cool the sweat that has started to build on his forehead. He berates himself for allowing Ben to have this influence on him. He knows nothing about the man, they’ve barely exchanged more than a few words, but the glances they have shared have unnerved Callum to the point where he’s sure they haven’t just been a figment of his imagination.  
  
He’s familiar with these moments but they never seem to get any easier. There’s always that voice in his head that tells him he’s not normal. Not that there’s anything wrong with it, being _that_ way, it’s just that he’s not like that. He hopes to settle down one day, beautiful girl on his arm, big family around him. That’s the whole purpose of life, isn’t it? Callum is sure that the moment he finds that girl all of this, these thoughts, will all go away.  
  
Thankfully, he’s learned to control his thoughts over the years. He’s disciplined himself, directing such thoughts elsewhere and avoiding whomever is causing them at the time. It’s been working very well so far.  
  
Only Ben is something else. He walked into the pub the other night so full of energy, a larger than life persona, and eyes that seemed to see right through him.  
  
Callum would be lying if he were to say Ben wasn’t attractive, and that was the problem wasn’t it? He couldn’t be looking at Ben like that. He wonders if the reason Ben had kept his eyes on him was because he could already read the thoughts in his mind.  
  
He shakes his head, ridding himself of the idea, before sighing when he realises it’s time to go back inside.  
  
“You avoiding me?” Ben asks as soon as Callum appears behind the bar again. Callum sighs inwardly, looking over to see him perched on a stool, lazy grin on his face.  
  
Callum chuckles a little, hoping it doesn’t sound as forced as he knows it is. “Course not.”  
  
Ben regards him with a nod and it’s clear he doesn’t fully believe Callum’s words. “Pub’s quiet,” he says, shifting his eyes across the room. “May as well keep me company.”  
  
“Oh, uh, I don’t think……I’m working,” he fumbles.  
  
“You’re alright, Callum,” Linda smiles from where she’s just finished serving someone. “As long as you stay at the bar I don’t mind you chatting to the punters.”  
  
He has to restrain himself from sending a glare Linda’s way. He looks towards Ben whose eyes are sparkling, like he’s quietly delighting in a game he’s just won. Ben is irritating but there’s something else about him that sends a rush of heat flooding through Callum whenever he so much as looks his way.  
  
He stares at Ben, the grin on the other man’s face slowly turning into a smirk.  
  
“Cat got your tongue?” Ben teases as Callum’s heart hammers in his chest. When he doesn’t say anything Ben continues. “I was in here yesterday. Thought I might see you but you weren’t here.”  
  
“Uh, no, it was my day off,” he responds, trying to swallow against the dryness of his throat. He cautiously moves closer whilst still maintaining a distance he feels comfortable with. Resting against the bar, he looks across at Ben whose eyes are fixed on his.  
  
“Shame. Glad I caught you today though.” Ben looks down at his pint then. “Jay says I shouldn’t tease you.” He looks up again from under his eyelashes and adds, “But you don’t mind me teasing do you Callum? It’s just a bit of fun after all.”  
  
_Yes_. “No, course not.”  
  
“I like to have a bit of banter with fit blokes.”  
  
Callum feels himself flush at that, sure that the tips of his ears are now a bright red. He should probably point out that he’s straight and that whatever Ben is thinking, he’s got it wrong. Something catches in his throat though and he finds himself closing his mouth around the words.  
  
Ben must decide to give him a break then because his smile softens and his tone is more casual when he asks, “How long have you been here?”  
  
“Since about one-ish,” he responds, flicking his eyes over to the clock on the wall and seeing that it’s only just gone four. He usually loves his shifts, finds the time flying by quickly, but today with Ben here, time seems to be dragging.  
  
Ben laughs loudly, throwing his head back, corners of his eyes crinkling. “Not your shift; here in Walford!”  
  
“Oh, uh, about a year I guess. I knew the Carters growing up so….”  
  
“Well, you have my condolences for growing up around that rabble.”  
  
He looks at Ben, trying to search for any sign that he’s joking but Ben is so hard to read. He feels himself getting defensive over the people who have been a better family to him than his own have.  
  
“They’re good people,” he says sternly.  
  
Ben looks guilty, shaking his head. “Sorry. Just what I’m like. I say shit without thinking sometimes.”  
  
Nodding, Callum looks out across the pub and decides that’s the end of their conversation but then Ben is speaking again.  
  
“Look, I’m gonna level with you, yeah? I’m back home and the only people round here I’ve got to keep me sane are Jay and Lola – you know Lola?”  
  
“A bit, yeah,” he nods again, looking back at Ben now and seeing something more genuine in his eyes. It’s enough to make him forget about the comment on the Carter’s.  
  
“Right well, they’re in the middle of their usual gameplay and I don’t always want to be a third wheel if you know what I mean.”  
  
Callum thinks about Jay and Lola, sure in the fact that they’re not in a relationship. Maybe Ben hasn’t realised because he’s been away travelling.  
  
“Oh they’re not together,” he says, intending to bring Ben up to speed. “At least, I don’t think they are.”  
  
Ben smiles. “Jay tell you that did he? The thing you need to know about those two is that they’re always on and off, have been for years. They’re the kind of people you know are going to end up married with a dog and about six kids but they’ll take a decade or two just to get there. And right now they’re dancing around it again. It drives me nuts.”  
  
Callum nods a little, unsure what to say. It’s really none of his business what Jay and Lola’s relationship is like.  
  
“So here’s the thing,” Ben continues, “I’m thinking, since you haven’t got a lot of mates, me and you could get to know each other, what d’you think?”  
  
He can’t help but be a little taken aback by that. “I’ve got mates,” he says defensively.  
  
“What? Mick and Shirley? Because the way Jay tells it, you mostly keep yourself to yourself.”  
  
The teasing glint in Ben’s eye is back and Callum would be offended if the words didn’t ring true. He thinks about Mick and Shirley Carter and okay, maybe _mates_ isn’t the right way to describe them but they’re practically family and Callum’s done alright with them by his side and he doesn’t need anyone else thank you very much.  
  
“Charming,” he says, wondering what else Jay might have said. He barely even knows the bloke and he’s been spouting off to Ben about him.  
  
“See what I mean? He’s a nightmare and I’ve been mates with him since forever so I would know.” Ben pauses before saying, “So, how about it?”  
  
And what can he say to that? Ben is standing there suggesting they be friends after two very brief interactions. Callum doesn’t know anything about him, but he knows the way Ben makes him feel and he’s not sure how being on edge around him all the time could ever be a good thing.  
  
Apparently, his silence on the matter speaks volumes.  
  
“I’m starting to get a bit offended here,” Ben says from across the bar.  
  
“Oh, no, I – “ But before he has chance to say anything more, Ben is cutting him off with a wink, letting him know he’s joking. Callum huffs out a laugh, grateful that he hasn’t insulted him and glad to be let off the hook on the matter.  
  
Thankfully, a punter walks in at that moment and Callum is filled with relief, determined to get there before Linda does. He shoots a small smile Ben’s way before going to serve the woman who has just walked in. And when he turns back around, Ben has gone.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It’s a few days until he sees Ben again. He’s successfully managed to push the man to the back of his mind so when Ben walks into the pub the following Thursday, Callum steels himself for whatever could be about to come his way.  
  
“So, you’ve been here a year?” Ben asks as he takes the bottle of lager from Callum and hands over his money.  
  
Callum takes change from the till and passes it to Ben. “Just over that, yeah.”  
  
“Hmm. Must’ve been around the time I went travelling. Bet we just missed each other.”  
  
The thing about Ben is that he’s so persistent. Callum doesn’t understand why he’s going to so much effort to make conversation when Callum has barely given him a reason to. And yet here he is, once again chatting like he’s trying to make friends.  
  
Callum thinks back to what Ben had said the other day about not wanting to be the third wheel all the time around Jay and Lola, but he has no idea why Ben has chosen him specifically to try and become best buddies with. And the worst thing is that he feels guilty for not returning the effort. He’s always been told that he’s too nice for his own good, a people pleaser, the one to do anything for others, lend a helping hand, chat to them. But with Ben, he’s actively been trying not to do those things and he’s starting to think that maybe he’s being rude by not showing Ben the same courtesy he would show anyone else just because of the invasive thoughts that he can’t seem to control.  
  
“You uh, you travel far did you?” he asks now, forcing himself to make an effort, just this once. Maybe if they have a conversation Ben will realise that Callum is really quite dull and boring and look elsewhere for a new best friend.  
  
“Not as far as I’d have liked. Backpacked all round Europe, went over to America for a bit – that was great, then back to Europe before coming back here.”  
  
“All on your own?”  
  
Ben shrugs. “Yeah. Wasn’t sure how I was gonna get on at first but there’s billions of people out there so you’re never on your own really.” Even as he says it, Callum thinks he can detect a hint of loneliness in his gaze. He watches as Ben lifts the bottle to his mouth, drinking from it. When he puts it back down again the expression has vanished but it’s left Callum feeling curious.  
  
“How did you, you know, afford to get around and stuff?”  
  
“Well, it wasn’t easy. I had a bit of money saved up before I went and I made sure to use that on things like flights and train travel, that sort of thing. But mostly I picked up jobs on the side to pay for stuff like food and a roof over my head. Not that I used the hostels much. Was out most nights.”  
  
Callum nods, smiling a little and settling against the side of the bar more. “Sounds like you had fun.”  
  
Ben grins and Callum tries to work out how honest he’s being when he responds, “Yeah, best time of my life.”  
  
“So what made you come back?” he asks. “If it were that good?”  
  
“Well, you can only keep living like that for so long before the money fizzles away and it all gets a bit samey. Needed a break.”  
  
“So here you are.”  
  
“Here I am.”  
  
Callum pauses for a moment, watching as Ben takes another drink from the bottle. “You lived round here all your life?” he asks when curiosity gets the better of him.  
  
Ben huffs out a laugh that’s devoid of any humour and it makes Callum regret asking.  
  
“Most of it. Unfortunately,” he answers, not offering up any more.  
  
And okay, Callum doesn’t know Ben’s father all that well, only having spoken to him to ask for his drinks order and that awkward time a few months ago when he’d stupidly tried to get the man up on the karaoke, but he gets the impression that there’s no love lost between father and son, especially if what Ben had said to Jay the other day about wanting to find his own place to live is any indication.  
  
He wants to ask more but it’s clear that Ben probably wouldn’t give him any answers even if he were to ask. And it’s not as if he likes talking about his own family either. In that respect, he supposes he and Ben have something in common. He shivers at the thought.  
  
They talk for a little longer after that, Callum growing more comfortable in Ben’s presence, and if he tries really hard, he can just about ignore how attractive the younger man is.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


As the days go on, Ben continues to show up in the pub whilst Callum is working a shift. Sometimes he’s with Jay, other times he’s with Lola, most of the time he’s on his own. Callum wonders why he’d want to spend so much time drinking by himself and tries not to think about the fact that it’s during the times when he’s on his own that he sits at the bar and tries to draw Callum into conversation when there’s a lull in the punters that want serving.  
  
Sometimes he’s so busy working that Ben sits there on his own and barely manages to get a word in. And yet he keeps coming back, seemingly determined to try and force a friendship between them. At least, Callum thinks that’s all there is to it. He shakes the thought from his mind, not wanting to let himself think of any other possible reason for Ben’s persistence.  
  
On the days that they do get chance to talk, Callum has come to realise that he and Ben actually share a similar sense of humour, something which he had never imagined, but when Ben is just being Ben - that being the man who is simply making conversation without any hidden agenda - Callum finds that he’s actually quite funny and that’s part of the reason he feels so drawn to him.  
  
The thought of being friends with someone like Ben, someone who sends shivers up his spine with a single look, well, it should make him want to run for the hills. But Ben’s an enigma, and the more they talk the more convinced of that Callum becomes. There’s something intriguing about him and every time Callum thinks he’s worked out who Ben Mitchell is, he sees another side of him that throws all he thought he knew into question.  
  
Ben is sarcastic and quick-witted and full of bravado. But there’s a genuine softness underneath that Callum has only ever seen a peek of and he thinks that if only Ben would learn to drop whatever façade he’s putting on – and he’s sure now that there is one – then maybe he would like the Ben underneath.  
  
Then again, isn’t that the opposite of what he should be wanting? Shouldn’t he want to _not_ like Ben? Maybe he could be friends with Ben and learn to ignore the feeling he gets whenever he’s around. That’s plausible, isn’t it? Surely?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It’s a couple of weeks later when Ben asks the question.  
  
“You should come out for a few drinks with me, Jay and Lola one night. What do you reckon?”  
  
Callum very almost says yes. The rapport they’ve been building has been going well so far but he usually only sees Ben for a few hours a week, all in the safety of the pub where he’s able to break away to serve punters during their conversations. It’s been nice and he has been finding a way to make it work. Sometimes Ben makes very obvious sexual innuendos which has Callum’s face flaming but Ben just laughs at his reaction whilst Callum tries to change the subject.  
  
It’s been getting easier to ignore his attraction to Ben. It’s taken a lot of willpower and the thoughts that come to him at night aren’t always savoury but he’s getting there. Getting better.  
  
But the trouble is, going on a night out with him, even if Jay and Lola are there too, adds a whole other element and depth to their not-quite friendship and Callum isn’t sure that’s a risk he’s prepared to take. It’s one thing to be the kind of friends who stand chatting at the bar most days with constant breaks in conversation, never talking for anything more than ten minutes at a time before someone else needs serving, but it’s another thing entirely to be the kind of friends who go out drinking together, endless amounts of time spent with each other, and attention not placed anywhere else.  
  
“Think I’ll pass,” he says, sure it’s the right decision.  
  
“Oh, come on. We’ll have a laugh! And you’ve got to save me from the lovebirds who are doing circles around each other.”  
  
Callum laughs. “As tempting as it sounds, I’m still gonna say no.”  
  
He notices the way Ben’s face falls a little but he’s quickly pasting on a smile to cover up his disappointment and shrugging. “You don’t know what you’re missing.”  
  
He feels bad for rejecting Ben’s invitation but it’s for the best. He’s spent years dealing with this, he’s made so much progress, and he’s not about to let Ben Mitchell undo it all. He really needs to find himself a girlfriend. That will sort him out, he’s sure. He’ll be able to settle down, have a family, be happy. As soon as that happens it will fill the emptiness he feels and sort out this problem he seems to have. He just needs to find a girl who’s interested in him.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


As the days go on, Ben keeps trying to persuade him to go out for a drink one night. Callum feels mean for refusing each time and hopes that eventually Ben will stop asking. Only then Jay and Lola are there and they’re standing at the bar practically ganging up on him, Lola pulling a dramatically sad face, pouting her lips and pleading with him, while Jay cajoles him by using the one card Callum can’t argue against.  
  
“What else have you got to be doing? Working? Sitting in front of the tele with Shirley, while Mick snores in the background?”  
  
Jay seems to have a good measure of his life and Callum thinks he should perhaps start looking for a place of his own. The time he spends living under the Carter’s roof is nice and he likes the feeling of belonging to a family, but it’s hardly a laugh a minute and he very rarely feels like he has any freedom of his own. Even after being here a year, he still hasn’t managed to treat the place as if it’s his own, always wary that it’s not actually his home.  
  
“I…..I might be busy,” Callum argues anyway even though he knows he lost the moment Lola and Jay had brought the matter of a night out up.  
  
“Doing what?”  
  
He tries to think of any reasonable excuse and comes up with nothing. He looks at Lola, lips still pouted sadly. He looks at Jay, the man waiting for an answer, unwilling to give up. He looks at Ben. Ben’s eyes are shining as he rests on his hand, elbow propped up on top of the bar. He’s biting a little at his thumb which is doing strange things to Callum’s insides, and the look he’s giving is a sure sign that he know he’s won.  
  
“Come on Callum,” Ben says when Callum fails to supply Jay with an answer. “You, me, Jay and Lola – how bad can it be? It’ll be fun! And if you really hate it, me and you will go and get fish and chips; what do say?”  
  
Callum sighs, fighting a smile. “You lot are a nightmare, you know that?”  
  
“Is that a yes?” Lola asks, eyes widening and grin already spreading across her face.  
  
“I guess I don’t have a choice do I?”  
  
The excitement that comes from the three of them at the other side of the bar is infectious and he can’t help but smile along. He purposely ignores Ben’s gaze, still feeling funny from the sight of him biting at his thumb, and he wonders just how bad going out with them really could be.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It’s hot in the club, the lights are bright and the music is so loud it vibrates in his chest. It’s not like this is something he’s new to. He’s been out drinking before but more often than not it’s been rowdy pubs and lively bars, not clubs packed with a mass of people and a dance floor that his shoes seem to stick to.  
  
“See, we’re not that bad are we?” Lola says from across the booth they’re all sitting in.  
  
“No, course not,” he responds, feeling guilty that he may have given them that impression. “I guess I’m just not that confident when it comes to stuff like this that’s all.”  
  
Jay nudges at his side. “You should stick with us then; Ben’s a pro.”  
  
Ben leans forward and looks at Jay as he asks, “Is that your way of saying I go out too much?”  
  
Callum can’t help but smile at the banter. Ben and Jay always seem to be bickering whilst Lola always attempts to break it up but he’s certain it’s all love really. They’re a lovely little friendship group and for some reason they’re trying to include him but he’s not sure if he fits. He wants to and just by being around them tonight he’s remembering how he’s never really been part of a group of friends before, more often just having individual friends that’s he’s gained from different times in his life and who he’s very rarely in touch with anymore. So it’s nice being around Jay and Lola. Even being around Ben is something he’s growing to like even though there’s still a strange feeling he gets whenever they're around each other. But they seem like such a tight group of friends and he’s not sure how someone like him could ever be a part of that.  
  
“Well, you _are_ always out aren’t you?” Jay is responding to Ben now before he turns to Callum. “You wouldn’t believe the amount of times we go out for a quiet drink and this one ditches us to go meet up with some bloke.”  
  
“Yeah, alright!” Ben cuts in, suddenly sounding offended. “I don’t think Callum needs to know about things like that. You’ll scare him off!”  
  
Callum laughs a little as Lola rolls her eyes but he can’t help but wonder what Ben means by that. If Ben regularly likes to go meeting up with different men then that’s up to him; why should Callum be bothered about it?  
  
It’s not something he feels able to have an opinion on either. He’s never had sex in his life and he’s not about to admit that to this group of people that he’s slowly growing to like. Maybe when it happens it’s something you want all the time. Maybe he’ll find that out if he ever comes across the right girl. Though at the moment, sex isn’t something he ever gives much thought to at all. Just the idea of it is something that doesn’t appeal to him. He’s much more interested in trying to gain an emotional connection with the girls he’s been on dates with – though there have only been two in his twenty-six years and neither of them had gone particularly well. He must just need more practice.  
  
Or maybe it’s more of a gay thing – hook up’s that is. He’s not sure. He’d never met anyone gay before Ben and he worries that any pre-conceived idea he’s got about people of that persuasion may be down to his father who has never had a good word to say about them.  
  
Callum’s stomach turns a little at the thought of that word. Gay. He doesn’t think it’s because he has anything against people who are though. He likes everyone regardless of who they are, always has, and Ben is friendly and funny and still a complete enigma, but he doesn’t seem to be anywhere near as terrible as his father has always made gay people out to be.  
  
There’s that word again. It’s doing something strange, rubbing away at him like an itch he needs to scratch or an unpleasant burn that he’s always aware of. He takes a drink from his bottle and tries to ignore what he suspects is the real reason for him wanting to run from that word.  
  
“So Ben, anyone you got your eye on tonight?” Lola is asking, scanning the club ahead of them.  
  
He sees Ben smirk as he lifts his own bottle to his mouth. “Maybe. Biding my time on this one though.”  
  
Lola’s eyebrows raise and she grins, once again glancing across the dancefloor. Beside him, Jay shakes his head like this is something he’s used to.  
  
Callum looks out at the sea of people and wonders who Ben has set his sights on. He hasn’t noticed him take a keen interest in anyone since they’ve been here but maybe he’s not been paying enough attention. He looks at Ben and tries to follow his gaze but Ben doesn’t seem to be looking at anyone in particular and there’s no one in the crowded club who seems to be looking his way either. He’s not even sure why he’s so bothered to know, but he can’t help the curiosity he feels.  
  
Perhaps he needs another drink.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


They’re several drinks in by the time Lola manages to drag him onto the dancefloor. Callum hadn’t been keen at first, he has two left feet and always feels so awkward in his movements, but with the alcohol now flowing through his veins he’s a little more carefree and takes Lola’s lead as they dance.  
  
In the distance he can see Ben’s eyes on them as they dance and heat rises on his cheeks from being under his microscrope. The moment their eyes meet he has to look away, embarrassed at being caught just as he had been on the first night they had met. He’s grateful when Lola pulls him deeper into the crowd, effectively blocking his line of sight to Ben.  
  
It’s a short while later when Ben approaches, reaching out and placing a hand on Lola’s shoulder.  
  
“Jay’s wanting you,” he says, voice raised so that she can hear him above the music.  
  
Lola looks at him and he winks which causes her to break out into a beaming smile before she leaves in search of Jay. As she goes, Ben rolls his eyes and shakes his head.  
  
“What was that about?” Callum asks.  
  
“The merry-go-round keeps spinning.”  
  
He doesn’t understand. “What?”  
  
“Them two. They’ll disappear off now and I can guarantee they’ll be together by the end of the night. I almost died of boredom listening to Jay drone on and on about her back there.”  
  
“That’s good though isn’t it? If they get together.”  
  
Ben laughs. “Remember what I told you about how they’re always on and off? This isn’t the first time and it won’t be the last and that conversation I’ve just had with Jay won’t be the last either. Anyway, can we please just dance so that I can forget about the happy couple?”  
  
Callum hadn’t even realised he’d stopped dancing and awkwardly sways his hips to try and find a rhythm but he feels an added pressure with Ben there watching him.  
  
Ben chuckles and rolls his eyes again, grabbing hold of Callum’s arm and saying, “Follow my lead, yeah?”  
  
He ends up doing just that, awkwardness fading as time goes on and when Ben eventually let’s go of his arm, seemingly confident that Callum no longer needs his help, Callum feels empty at the sudden lack of Ben’s touch.  
  
Fucking hell, he really needs to get a grip of himself.  
  
He’s about to excuse himself, when Ben speaks up again.  
  
“Are you having a good time then?”  
  
“Oh, uh, yeah!” Callum nods. And that’s the problem. He is having fun, more fun than he’s had in a long time, and even though he feels self-conscious under Ben’s gaze sometimes, he also loves being around him. A lot. And he can’t feel like that.  
  
He wants to be friends with Ben, he wants them to have fun together, but all of the other stuff that comes with it, the conflict in his head – he doesn’t want any of that. He doesn’t know how to separate it all. He just wants Ben to be his friend, not the friend who makes him feel all these things that he doesn’t understand.  
  
He looks at Ben, the way the strobe lights bounce off his body, and still feels drawn to him.  
  
Ben is smiling up at him, eyes sparkling when he says, “I’m really glad you came tonight.”  
  
“Me too.”  
  
“Listen, I’ve been thinking about this for a while,” Ben starts, “But would you maybe…..”  
  
He doesn’t finish the rest of whatever he was going to ask because suddenly there’s a young woman standing beside them, shy smile on her face as she looks at Callum.  
  
“Hi, I’m Bella. Look I’m really sorry if this is too forward of me. I’d never do this kind of thing usually but I’ve been watching you dancing and you’re seriously cute and….” She sighs, shaking her head as the blush rises on her face. “I’m sorry. You probably think I’m a right idiot. My friends have been telling me I should just ask and now I’m making a mess of it so you can totally say no, I’ll understand, but I was wondering if you’d maybe want to have a dance with me?”  
  
Callum is thrown by the question. It’s the last thing he had been expecting. He’s never had anyone approach him like this before. He smiles down at her and can see how embarrassed she is but he has a lot of respect for her for approaching a complete stranger when she’s obviously so shy. Certainly he could never do a thing like that.  
  
And it’s nice of her to ask and it wouldn’t be right of him to reject her, especially if all her friends are watching. So he says, “Yeah! Yeah, I’d love to!”  
  
The wide smile of relief she sends his way is enough to make him beam back at her. He turns to Ben at his side. “You don’t mind do you?”  
  
Ben smiles and shakes his head. “No, no, why would I mind?”  
  
Callum grins at him before reaching out to take hold of the girl’s hand and leads her further into the crowd. He feels butterflies in his stomach at having someone interested in him for a change and maybe this is the answer to all of his problems. Ben is now free to hook up with whoever it is he’s been biding his time with tonight and Callum will dance with this girl who seems to like him and maybe something more will come from it. She seems sweet, maybe not the right girl for him but he’ll never know if he doesn’t give it a shot, right? And if he focuses on this, on Bella, then maybe he can ignore all the weird feelings he’s been getting around Ben and if he can do that then maybe he can make a friendship with him work.  
  
He’d like that; Ben to be in his life, Ben to be his friend. That’s all he is. It’s all he’s ever going to be.

**Author's Note:**

> If anyone is interested, here's my idea of what happened after that night but feel free to come up with your own:
> 
> Jay and Lola get together that night but, like Ben predicted, they don’t stay together for long. They're on and off in the years that follow before getting back together once more about six months before lockdown. It’s the lockdown period that ends up being the making of them. 
> 
> Callum and Bella swap numbers that night in the club. They meet up a few times afterwards but there’s no spark. Bella thinks it’s a shame because Callum is the kindest guy she has ever met but they’re just not right for each other. They agree to stay friends but lose touch not long after. But if Callum gains anything from it, it’s a new determination to find the right girl for him and he sets about getting himself on the dating scene. 
> 
> Ben installs a hook up app on his phone that night. Despite Jay’s words earlier, the hook up’s he’s had in the past have been with people he knows or strangers he has met in a bar, not faceless randoms who just so happen to be in the area at the same time as him. But that night he realises he’d got it so wrong about Callum and it hits him then just how much he likes him. He ends up going home on his own. Most of the hook up’s that follow over the next few years are his attempt to get Callum out of his head. It doesn’t work.


End file.
